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Faith Journey of Judith J. WestLee

by Judy WestLee

Judy WestLee is a past co-convener of Affirmation: United Methodists for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered Concerns

I was raised on a farm in southeast Minnesota. I was baptized and confirmed as a Missouri Lutheran.

The little white frame church in my home village was an important place in my childhood. There we received the annual "the Jews killed Jesus" sermon and the annual "the Catholics are going to hell and so is everyone else who is not Missouri Lutheran" sermon. Every Sunday the liturgy consisted of our minister yelling out his part of liturgy and the congregation responding as quickly as we possibly could. I remember turning to my mother one Sunday and asking, "What did we do wrong?" because I was assuming we had said something wrong in our part of the liturgy.

With this understanding of "church" and "God," I stopped attending church as soon as I left home for college at age 17. However, while I attending college I started to explore other ways of "doing church." I attended several denominations services new to me by tagging along with friends.

A move to another state and city marked the end of my church attendance -- to any church. I was in what I termed my "agnostic humanist" period. And this period would last for several years.

Then I made friends with two women who didn't know each other, but who were both United Methodists. I liked what I heard about their concern with others and non-judgementalism. I started taking downhill skiing with one of these friends. Even while traveling around the area and dressed in our ski clothes, she insisted upon attending church services on Sunday mornings. So, what could I do but tag along again?

After 2-3 years of this practice, I started attending the local United Methodist Church all by myself! This was a momentous event for me! By this time I was in my early 30 s. I clearly remember sitting in the pew hearing for the first time that God loved me "warts and all" and I didn t have to perfect in order for God to love me. I heard for the first time that God was friendly and loving rather than angry and vengeful. I sat quietly in the pew with tears running down my cheeks! I couldn't believe how happy I was!

I joined that little United Methodist Church and soon accepted positions on the local council. Soon after that I celebrated my newly found sobriety. Sunday morning I sat upstairs in the pew. Thursday evening I sat around the tables in the basement in a 12 Step meeting.

This was a very happy time in my life. Then tragedy struck. My sister-in-law, whom I loved very much, was involved in a very serious car accident. She lived, but was severely brain damaged. I spent days in the hospital with my brother and niece as we waited to learn if she would return to us. In the midst of that, I drove home, completely drained of energy, and as I drove I argued with God and railed at God for allowing this terrible accident to happen. I asked why wasn't it ME in that accident rather than my sister-in-law. I was single and no one would notice that I was gone. My sister-in-law had her husband and child. After about 30 minutes of that, I was at the last turn on the highway before arriving home. I became quiet for a couple of minutes and then I prayed: "God, I don't understand this at all. But Your will be done. And for whatever it is worth, You have my life. All of it. Do with it as You will."

Well! That was the most dangerous prayer I have ever prayed! Shortly after that, I started feeling God s "call" for me to go into ministry. I shrugged it off. I ignored it. I laughed at myself about it. But it wouldn't go away. I came into a fairly large amount of unexpected money. I again was in my car pondering how I should use the money: buy a mobile home or town house? Start a retirement fund? Once again, I was finally quiet for a moment. And I clearly heard a voice say firmly: "You will use the money to attend seminary." I almost drove the car into the ditch on that one!

That night I never even went to bed. Instead I prayed and paced my apartment. I prayed while studying the stars from my balcony. I asked if this was really what God wanted me to do. By dawn I was quiet, full of energy and I had my answer. I would go to seminary.

I graduated from seminary and was appointed to a rural parish. Again, I was very happy. But a few months after coming into parish ministry God revealed to me the true nature of my sexual identity. I finally acknowledged what I never before could face: that I am a lesbian.

At the time I wasn't even certain what the word "lesbian" meant. I had to ask someone for a definition of "dyke" [which I was called] because I had no idea what it meant. I couldn't justify this new sexual identity with my understanding of the Bible and Christianity. I read with pain the new negative pronouncements from the United Methodist General Conferences. I hated myself and wondered how I could have failed so completely. I became severely depressed. Luckily, I was able to find a friendly counseling place in the Twin Cities. I went into 1-to-1 counseling. I joined a sexual identity exploration small group. Later I joined a lesbian support group. I found a new community of lesbians. My new support group kept me alive and prevented my suicide.

I continued to serve in ministry as a local parish pastor. But as time went on, it felt as if my two worlds: the church and the lesbian community were spreading further and further apart. Finally, I could stand the pressure no longer. I "came out" [told my sexual identity] to my district superintendent and subsequently went on honorable location.

The call to ministry would not stop, however. After a couple of years I asked my new district superintendent to again be appointed to a local parish. I wanted to walk with God s people again as their pastor. In order to comply with the United Methodist Book of Discipline, I took a personal vow with my bishop to live in celibacy. I told her that if I found I could no longer do that, I would tell her so.

I went back into the parish ministry. A year later I met the most remarkable person I have ever met. We fell in love. I made an appointment to tell my bishop that this had happened and that we planned to have a Holy Union Ceremony. It was agreed that I would go on Leave of Absence.

That was five years ago. I still cry as I miss being in parish ministry. My partner and I are active in a local United Methodist Church where we feel comfortable and accepted. I have become active on the National Affirmation Council, a caucus which speaks for gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered United Methodists. I have found employment, but continually miss ministry.

Through all of this, I feel the close presence of God standing with me. Where will this end? Only God knows. And I will trust God to make the wisest choice for my life as I have done ever since that prayer for God to take my life. I have never taken it back into my hands.

As an independent voice of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer people, Affirmation radically reclaims the compassionate and transforming gospel of Jesus Christ by relentlessly pursuing full inclusion in the Church as we journey with the Spirit in creating God's beloved community. We affirm a Gospel of respect, love, justice and mercy for all. Affirmation is an activist, all-volunteer, not-for-profit organization with no official ties to The United Methodist Church.